記憶の淵 | Kioku no Fuchi (novel)

Based on the song from the album Long Skirt Panorama Girl.

Oh, long time no see. Welcome. How are you doing? Well, that’s good to hear. But I don’t particularly care if you’re not well. It would be so boring if someone killed you, so if that happens, please come and tell me who did it. Even if you die, it will be okay, because there is the Sanzu River, the Netherworld, and Hell. Eh? You want me to come see you? You’re such a sweetheart.
All right, I’ll make you a cup of tea. Oh, be careful with that flower. It’s very poisonous – just touch it and your fingers will rot. Isn’t it pretty?

Oh, and be careful of the thorns on that one. But they don’t mean you any harm. The flowers are just blooming wonderfully.
Oh, why did you stop? What are you looking at? Ah, that flower. …isn’t it beautiful? It’s just a flower. If you want to get close and touch it, go ahead. Even its scent is beautiful. What’s the name of the flower? Well, I don’t know. “It can’t be limited to you”? What’s the matter? I wonder why you like it so much. Does it get any special treatment? No, it doesn’t. It’s true that there is only one flower, which is unusual for this garden. …Well, I’m feeling extraordinarily good today, so I’ll tell you a story. But you can play with me later. It’s not a particularly interesting story, but you can’t just refuse after hearing it. That’s a promise. I’ll poison you if you lie to me.

It was a long time ago. I can’t even remember how long ago it was, but anyway. There was a human I loved. Am I lying to you? Oh well, it doesn’t matter if it’s a lie or not – just hear me out. And well, I loved that human so much that we slept together. Then, for some reason, my belly got bigger and bigger, to the point that I felt as if it would explode. That human seemed happy about it, so I thought it was a good thing, and I spent some time with a heavy belly. Maybe back then I understood a little bit of the happiness that comes from being with others. Hey, don’t give me such a bad look. You asked me that, didn’t you? “You were the one who wanted to talk”? …I guess so. I don’t know. I don’t know how I would feel about this, because I’ve never talked to anyone about it. If I wanted to talk about it, would you be able to hear me out? Good. You are so kind.
The child who was born afterward looked like a monster, and he didn’t look like me or that human. And on top of that, he died soon after. I don’t know how I felt at the time, though I can’t remember it even if I try. But I think my emotions melted away as if they dissolved into pure white light. The human was crying, and I walked away without looking directly at him. Then, I was in a field of flowers and I had the dead baby in my arms. Poor thing. Yes, I felt sorry for it. What? I don’t know. Figure it out for yourself. So I buried this thing in the field of flowers.
Then I forgot about it for a while, until one day I walked by and saw a flower that I didn’t recognize. That’s it, the flower you liked. I told you, I don’t know its name. I really don’t know. You didn’t expect me to be such a romantic, did you? Well, maybe so. It’s not like I dug it up or anything, and I don’t remember where I buried it in the first place. Anyway, that’s the reason why the flower has only one of its kind. A flower blooms and falls, fruits are produced, a seed is produced, and then another sprout appears. It naturally repeats itself. It’s a series of stories that seem so false, so dreamlike now, but when I look at that flower, I can vaguely recall them. I should go to the Sanzu River, you say?
It’s not easy to remember that child. There’s no way I could recognize him from the various children stacking stones. Should I rather search for that human? …that’s what I asked the Yama once. I wished I could show this flower to him. Naturally, she told me he didn’t know. I was a little relieved. I couldn’t remember his face anymore. Then again, there was still something human in me to have that kind of sentimentality. But it’s nothing.
Well, that’s the end of the story. So? Are you satisfied? You found it interesting, good for you. Okay, we promised it. Shall we play? Let’s go outside and play danmaku. Uh, let’s go somewhere other than here. Let’s go somewhere else where we won’t hit that flower and we can compete as much as we like. Is it okay if I ask you this favor?